| What
is Communication Softening and When do I use it? |
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Many
people have just one approach to influencing others – THEIR
way. So often, I hear comments from people who don’t understand
how others can be offended or put off by them. Typical comments
I hear: “I am just very direct”, “It’s just
me”, “I don’t pull punches”, “It’s
their problem if they can’t deal with it”, “I
don’t want to play games” and “I believe you just
tell them what you think”. Do any of these sound familiar
to you? These are red flags which indicate lack of flexibility and
understanding that others do not have the same communication styles.
It also indicates two other beliefs are at work: a belief that one
approach works in all situations and with all people and a belief
that it is the other person’s problem if they don’t
like it.
Let
me first pose that if you want to be your most effective with
others then, you need to enter “their” world, and
get out of yours. Indeed, if someone doesn’t like your approach,
how often do you think you will get them to actually hear you
out? People are like locks. Everyone has a different combination
or key that lets you in. Once in, you are on the same playing
field and there is optimal communication. And here is just one
technique you can use to get there.
There
are times when very simple re-phrasing will greatly enhance your
ability to get things done. One form of re-phrasing is to use
what are called “communication softeners”. These phrases
or words, change the message to a softer, and often more palatable
one. One which will more often get better results than being blunt,
direct, or demanding.
These
phrases act to "soften" our message. Though they may
be in the form of a question it is communicated (and most often
interpreted) as a formal request for that person to do whatever
it is. It demonstrates respect by not "ordering" or
"commanding" someone to do a task. (You need to know
the receiver of the message, some need directness.) This type
statement may also elicit a response from the individual. So,
you need to be receptive to feedback, options or other kinds of
responses. These phrases will backfire if ideas or feedback offered
to you are ignored or if you don't look and sound sincere (Remember
the 93% of the message is conveyed through nonverbal means vocal
intonation and body language/facial expression – see sidebar.).
Listening, observing and adapting are essential. You demonstrate
genuine concern while getting your point across on the action
to take.
Often
it’s as simple as using phrases like these as a prefix to
our normal statements.
Softeners:
I'm wondering...
I'm curious...
Would you be willing to...
What do you think if...
Would you…
Would you mind...
Do you mind...
Could you...
Example:
Complete this vendor file today.
Softer: Could you complete this vendor file today.
Softeners
can also be used when addressing change. We know that change is
difficult for people. Most change is not welcomed unless it is
self-generated. So, there are times you want to introduce new
ideas and come across as less threatening to change-resistant
individuals.
Softeners
for introducing new ideas:
What would happen if...
How about we try...
What would you say to...
When
you use these phrases, you pose something as a discussion and
that you are open to feedback. This sets a tone for successful
change discussions to take place. It is through these very discussions
that you get buy-in from others. Skip this critical phase and
you will most likely be in for a lot of resistance and even sabotage!
There
are always people who will argue that these approaches are semantics,
playing games or just ineffective. You do have to know your audience.
I believe that the person with the most options and who is most
flexible in their approaches creates the most ways to “win”.
I challenge you to try them. Get back to me with your experiences.
Let me know how they work for you.
If you have attended any communication course you will hear these
figures quoted as making up 100% of communication
55% - body language (facial expression)
38% - vocal (intonation, tone)
7% - verbal (words you choose)
They are derived from Mehrabian studies in the 60s. The figures
have come under attack and re-researched. In the end, these numbers
still hold water!
If you would like help with group dynamics
and communication or motivation, give me a call. I can design
workshops specifically for your team.
dmhebert@mindsetforperformance.com
480-491-3506
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